From the mouth of babes….

February 14th, 2008 § 13 comments § permalink

You know they say “be aware of what you tell your children; it may well come back to bite you in your ass”? Well, it happens to me many a time but the ninny that I am, I keep spinning my web of lies and flounder as my son ties me in knots using the same slimy thread.

For instance, when P was very little, he once asked me why we got married. A thousand replies weaved through my head:
“To shove a thumb up your paternal grandparents noses”
“To have hot, monkey sex at the drop of a hat (or any other apparel)”
“To get away from your maternal grandparents when the GRE route got blocked”
but as none of them were U rated, I decided to plumb for a tamer reply and fed him some jazz somewhere along the lines of a megaserial maa:
“so that we could have you, beta!”

When I had just found I was pregnant, I tried to test P’s reactions in a roundabout way. I did not want to give him any concrete idea about the imminent arrival as he is somewhat of a blabbermouth. So I tried my hand at subtlety and asked him:
“would you like to have a baby brother or a sister, kanna?”

To which, he replied:
“yeah, but I don’t cos you wanted only me and nobody else!” (another web I had spun earlier when he first asked for a sib.)

“Er, what if?”

“Well, then you’d have to get married again!”

“What? Where did you get that?”

“You only said, mummy, that mummies and daddies have to get married to have children. So if I should have a brother or a sister, you should get married again. Daddy would be so upset; he would leave!”

Next time around, I shall stick to the tried-and-tested-truth, shall I?

Oh yeah, I’ve got a bun in the oven – again. Am only at week 9 or thereabouts so am probably jumping the gun in putting the news on my blog (but who reads it but my loyal 4 anyway?!) but then, think of all the lovely posts I am missing – runs, projectile vomiting, nausea and other deep joys that my life is so full of now. So I thought, what the heck.

Crackalacking!

February 8th, 2008 § 0 comments § permalink

A friend forwarded me this hilarious article from Times Online as it would appeal to my quirky sense of humour. Well, hell, it did. It is so droll I loved every word of it. How can you not, when you find beauties such as this:

“about discovering how comprehensively a mixture of hot
water and detergent can reduce banknotes to an indecipherable squidge of
papier-mâché, while leaving tomato-sauce strains entirely intact elsewhere
on said garment.”

or,

”
Nor about realising that I may need to work until I am 89 because my pension
has shrivelled to the size of a hamster’s testicle.” Amen to that, ol’ man!

He sagely adds “Still, far be it for me to complain about
the state of Britain. Not while I wear this wristband, anyway. I’m giving it
until lunchtime, incidentally, then it’s going in the bin. The strain of
being so bloody nice is making me feel ill.”

I can sooo get behind that sentiment tho’ no one in their right minds would ever accuse me of being bloody nice! Go on, read it – bet it will make you crack a smile!

What Maketh A Man?

February 7th, 2008 § 3 comments § permalink

The Mad Momma asked: “Is there any quality more cherishable in a man than gentleness?”

While most of her loyal legion said “of course not”, I wonder what else is there that makes the list.

1. Chivalry: What happened to good old fashioned chivalry? When men opened doors for you, said “after you”? I think they are using feminism as an excuse to behave like yobs. For the record, we like being our own women, yes but it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate it if the menfolk did stuff like opening the hefty door of a restaurant and letting us in first, rather than watch on while we risk an aneurysm wrestling with the damn thing and then  sail through the open door  first, making us feel like a dwarapalak!

2. Kindness: I like it when men are kind – sort of goes hand in hand with being gentle, I think. There is something about the bloke that helps a doddering old woman cross the road that tugs the heart strings. Giving up seats for preggie / old ladies in crowded buses and train don’t come under this category: they are just purely sensible things to do and shame on you if you don’t!

3. Patience: There’s something irrepressibly charming about the man who is calm and holds onto his patience even when the person opposite is driving him nuts, being inexplicably mental. I’d fully understand if he imagined beating said person black and blue whilst being excruciatingly polite. Even more understandable is taking it out on the poor cushion after said person has exited the scene.

4. Humour: Huge dollops of it. There’s nothing to top someone who can take a joke or see the funny side of any situation. Absolutely!

Of all the patronising bullshit…..

February 7th, 2008 § 7 comments § permalink

Well no one can come up with a more outraged squawk than the Mad Momma but as she has implored us desi bloggers in merrie England to not take it lying down, well, how can I ignore the invitation?

What am I blathering about? This – the Communities Secretary Hazel Blears’ ‘Immigration pack’ that is inform an immigrant how to behave on landing on British shores. Simple things like don’t go touching the nice woman at the tube station, put the trash out, spit in the street or *gasp* play loud music. Why? Coz the locals are doing enough of it and please don’t add to the mayhem, there’s a good chap.

I think someone should tell this to my neighbour opposite. He seems to think that every Saturday comes around purely for him to test the strength of the concrete blocks our buildings are made of and proceeds to spend most of the night pitting some high decibels at it. Or the rest of the idiots who cannot read the words that say ‘please do not dump your cycles and old washing machines here – that’s what the Council’s £30 collection facility is for’ and proceed to happily chuck any old crap in the bin area, which means I get the bill!

Drinking and driving? How dare you, you pathetic immigrant? How dare you entertain that notion! Take the train and go to any of the bars in Romford or Basildon instead, where the delightful chavs would give you more than your money’s worth by puking copious amounts of beer and other assorted gunk and round off the show by showing their tits.

I am so tired of reading everywhere of the Brits who have thrown opened their doors and are knitting out ‘Welcome’ sweaters for every immigrant foisted on them. Why the hell have I been spat at and told home on a regular basis? And what about the snooty sales women who are all nicety-nice spreading sunshine and cheer all around but clam up and give Mt Rushmore a run for its money the minute they see my mug? Or – this is one of my favourites – how about the chemist down the road who paid no heed to me when I stood outside her door in the cold for 30 frigging minutes, wondering when she will open up, only to find her outside explaining to the first white person that came round that as the pharmacist wasn’t in, she cannot prescribe medicine and so sorry and all that – and finished off with a sneer in my direction? Sadly lacking in the spirit, wouldn’t you say?

Yeah give us behavioural packs all you want, sweetie, but let’s stop pretending we are housing paragons of virtue here. The number of louts and ‘lads behaving badly’ that you see around the Town centres and High Streets come weekend have to be seen to be believed. Immigrants like us pay more in tax than idiots like that lush Holly, now seen on Ladette to a Lady, who proudly says she spends her dole money getting trashed every weekend and behaving like nothing human can possibly can. Getting sozzled on every occasion and showing her knickers to all and sundry, well if she remembers to wear them in the first place, are all such sterling behavioural examples, ain’t it?

Whilst I am not claiming that all Indians are gold medal winners when it comes to behaving well or that every single Brit is an ill-mannered lout , I am offended that this sort of pack can be handed out to people and one expects us to be what? happy? If that isn’t smug and patronising, I do not know what is!

Pratikism

February 3rd, 2008 § 5 comments § permalink

Yesterday, I heard my not yet 6 year old son emphatically tell me:

“I am not going to get married – not to a girl, not to a boy, not to an old woman. No. I am not. Ok?”

Ok, my boy. Whatever you want.

A little later, a request to make him put his shoes on before setting foot outside the door got his dad the comment: “whatever!” And I thought I had to wait at least till he hit 10 before hearing a “whatever!”. Is 6 like the new 10 / teenage now?

Greg Rusedski, Celebrity

February 3rd, 2008 § 0 comments § permalink

 

What is this guy doing? I mean, seriously. Yeah he had a pop at a tennis career. That bombed. Now, in true blue British sense of the word, he is trying to make a career for him as a celebrity? I mean, what gives?

When I saw him with his family on Family Fortunes last month or so, I thought “what?” but then, the oddest celeb has-beens parade on that show so it wasn’t a big. Or so I assumed.

And now, for the past three weeks, he has been gracing my TV screen every Sunday night, on Dancing On Ice. And it is excruciating to watch. This gangly, seven-feet or so of ungainly man comes on the ice every Sunday, as stiff and ill-suited to a spin on the ice as one could possibly be, with an inane grin fixed on his mug and it is enough to make me scream. Why? Why? Why?

Stop making a fool of yourself, please, Rusedski. Stop trying to carve a life as a celebrity on British telly. I cannot imagine a life worse (for me, that is!) than watching you pop in at random moments grinning like a nutter. This may sound really bizarre, but how about a life away from the limelight? Yeah? Move away from the cameras. No Spouse Swap, Celeb Big Brother or I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here nonsense, ok? Just get yourself out of here. Please!

R.I.P Heath Ledger

January 24th, 2008 § 2 comments § permalink

 
I flicked open yesterday’s Metro on the way to my morning train and was shocked big time to see news of Heath Ledger‘s death. What a tragedy! I thought he was fantastic in Brokeback Mountain and was really looking forward to Dark Knight. What a waste!

The Great Indian Moral Police

January 17th, 2008 § 8 comments § permalink

What a busy life it must be, to lead the life of the Indian Moral Police? Never a dull moment in their life, putting out moral fires in every corner of the town, saving the innocent public from the amohttp://im.sify.com/entertainment/movies/images/jan2008/sriyafunction200.jpgral denizens that are out to besmirch the Indian Culture and the rest of it. They have barely sat down after the Shilpa Shetty kissy kissy fiasco, only to bounce up over Shriya’s dress (or lack of) sense.

Actress Shriya, who played Rajini’s love interest in his hit film Sivaji, has offended the sensibilities of the moral junta by wearing a ‘skimpy outfit’. She has made the conservative heart of Chennai nearly stop by daring to appear in an “off-white dress that rode up her knees while she sat, and a plunging neckline that highlighted her hour glass figure”, that too at a function graced by the Chief Minister Karunanidhi. What a hussy!

Instead of setting an effigy of hers on fire or blowing up a few buses like they normally do, this time they actually resorted to the law! Quelle Surprise! The Hindu Makkal Katchi actually complained to the police that Shriya has offended the Hindu culture and may the long of the arm reach out, grab her and throw her in the slammer? Even more gaspably, the police declined the invitation saying it ain’t part of their job description!!

How can one make these up? Only in India, I tell ya!

Ragasiya Kanavugal from Bheema

January 16th, 2008 § 2 comments § permalink

I am a big time fan of Vikram. Having met him once early in his career, soon after his first hit Sethu, I was so charmed by his wit and manners than I have been a staunch fan since. Obviously, then, I have been looking forward to his next release Bheema, after a two-year hiatus.

I got my hands on the songs as soon as they were released and though I felt that Harris Jeyraj has dealt a winner this time around too, I cannot say I am overly pleased with the music directors’ penchant for making non-Tamil singers sing songs in Tamil movies. The song Ragasiya Kanavugal is a case in point. The female singer, instead of singing “azhagiya mirugam” (beautiful beast), sounds like she’s saying “azhugiya mirugam” (rotten beast).

Listen to it yourself and tell me if you agree or not.

Pratikism

January 16th, 2008 § 4 comments § permalink

My son just told me he is bored. “Life is boring” are his exact words.

When a 5 year old chucks that line at you, what the hell do you do?

Any pointers?

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