It is late and I am working on a project for a friend while googling for stats for an article for another company – but I can’t help listening with half an ear to the spouse’s weekly desi news catch-up. Sify.com’s “news” is going on at the mo and the girl wielding the microphone is getting on my nerves big time. The fake accent, the way she keeps saying “McDonnals” and the language! Maybe I have been living in England for way too long so I don’t know when it became hip to throw a few “hell”s on television. Blaspheming aside, what ever is “raved up”?

While you are at it, how would you “catch up with a watermelon juice”? Is Watermelon Juice a person? And something else is labelled as tasting “very well”.

ARGH!

Before I ram a pen in my ear to relieve me of my misery, let me shout: I am going to Chennai! Yep! After much suspense, the babus at High Commission, London came through (just like you predicted, CA!) and I successfully applied for my visa and booked my tickets. And Saturday morning shall find me sipping my grandma’s piping hot kapi. As I aim to be there for a month or so, I have decided to do two things 30 days related.

To keep my blog chugging along, I have decided to do my 31DBBB (or Darren Rowse’s 31 Days to Build a Better Blog). I participated in this challenge when Darren first launched it and I think it will do self and blog a great deal of good, give the blog kind of an overhaul.

One thing I am going to really miss is my Body Combat. To combat (ha ha) that, I am going to be doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 day Shred whilst trusting in Rujuta Diwekar to help my eating in check. Though her bambaiyya language will drive me nuts well before week 1, I am hoping I will be ably distracted and can stop myself from poking me in my eye.

When did speaking bad English become so fashionable anyway? On national television and published books, no less!

First he complained of Chennaionline.com illegally selling his books of poems online and then a day after, when the company’s officials furnished proof that they were in fact, asked to do so by the actor himself, he amended his statement but not without adding that it was the portal’s fault for not corresponding with him since.

Time for a new secretary, maybe, Parthiban? 

If you are interested, then join in and help clean up the beaches.

Oh, in case I forgot to mention, my sister-in-law is going to be singing!

A few weeks back, a top television presenter was caught on camera doing 70 mph on a busy motorway – chatting on his mobile phone. Jeremy Clarkson is well known to Britons and to see him chatting away whilst driving his Merc was too much for the public to bear. A vigilant passerby took a picture of him gabbing away and passed it on to the Daily Mirror. The papers took him to task royally and furious members of the public wrote on public forums everywhere, asking for a serious reprimand.

When I read the article the following day, a few words stuck in my mind.

And a police insider warned that if guilty, the popular Top Gear presenter could expect the same treatment as the thousands of other road users nabbed for the same offence.

The source said: “At a time when the Government and police are clamping down on motorists putting safety at risk by using mobiles at the wheel, it’s vital that police are seen to be taking action against all alleged offenders, no matter who they are.”

Fast forward to this morning, when I came across this article on Chennai Metblogs. I mean, what do you say to this respectable member of the press, who uses his press credentials to get away scot-free and then say, ‘Some police!’! There is no point blaming the traffic cops for their ineptitude if every Johnny carries some form of a ‘Get out of jail FREE!’ card or the other. Granted, I am no major fan of the said police, after the shabby way they treated my scared brother after a drunken bastard crashed his car into my hapless brother’s but this time, I am forced to question what choice do we leave them with, if we tie their hands so, for every pitiable reason?

We constantly say ‘we are like this wonly’ when quizzed about the lax Indian attitude to most things under the sun. Are we like this wonly or are we making sure we are like this wonly?

As you can see from the above vid, there were cars, autos and other vehicles patiently waiting for the road to clear. The decibel level is pretty high too. This was taken at around 9 am in the morning. The same event occurred at 3.00 am that morning (or night – whichever way you look at it!). Understandably, I shot out of bed wondering what the racket was about.

Through bleary eyes, I noticed the devoted mass dancing in the streets. Whilst I do give it to them that they have every right to show their devotion in every which way that pleases them, should it encroach on others’ lives? At 3.00 am, is it too much to expect to get some undisturbed sleep?

Or is it blasphemy?

For the kick-starter, Rowing is a sport which is highly catching up in the city of Madras, thanks to Madras Boat Club. A membership here costs 50k for a year where in you will have put in 300 hours of rowing. As an annual event, the MBC conducts a Corporate Regatta which is aimed to bring in more people into this sport. In this regard, my friend’s mom, Neela, who has a production house of her own called Madras Houz, decided that it would be great for us to participate. I have done some music – related work such as jingles, sound edits/recording for the company and hence qualify as a part time employee there. Apart from Neela, there are 2 other women working in the company, Uma and Sharmishta (my friend, Neela’s daughter). So the four of us decided that it would be fun and fitness combined for us if we signed up for this year’s Regatta. So that’s exactly what we did. Little did we realize how serious we were becoming about this event. Every morning, 5 hours past midnight saw us standing in Boat Club waiting for boats to be pulled out! Initially, it was quite hard, considering a) I NEED my sleep! b) The inviting(?) smell of the “koovam”. But as the sport got exciting, it didn’t matter. I got over my sleep issue and I just got used to the smell (Honestly, it isn’t that bad, considering they take special care of the course where we row!).

We practiced for 2 long months, almost everyday! The one hour in the morning with extensive coaching by the Club coaches did us real good. We got better by the week and we realized how strong we were becoming and how a sport changes the way you look at your day/week/life. We rowed as 4 on a boat and also took part as two entries (MH A & MH B) in the pairs contest, with two each on one boat.

As race day got closer, we started practicing in the evenings after work as well. Only then did we realize how excited we were about winning the race. Even though the buzz around the club was that 4 of us were going to be a tough team, we still wanted to make sure that we live upto that. There were many teams from all over the city, with 7 women’s only teams, from companies like Sify, Element K, Lion Bridge, JWT, O&M and of course, Madras Houz.

The heats began 3 days before the final race. A race is 750 meters and only two teams can race at a time. Each team had 2 entries for the pairs and we did too! So we got cracking down to the first race. This was easily the scariest part for me as Sharmishta and I were a team and we were to take on corporate oarspersons (not rowers ) who have had experience for about 5-6 years, in our FIRST EVER race!! Quite tense, we sat on the boat and till the second we heard the “Are you ready on the inside? Are you ready on the outside? Are you ready? ROW!” we didn’t realize the amount of energy in us! No more thinking after that and we took her home to the finish in style and won our first race!!! YAYY!

After that, there were 3 more races that we had to clear to reach the finals and we did so quite well! And guess who we met at the finals?? MH B! So us Madras Houz girls won both the first AND second place in our first ever Regatta! Result! Element K won the over all championship as they had a guys team as well. But we were more than delighted with our loot! Huge trophies are always a high! If only we were given a free membership to go with it Even the press paid us a visit on the day of the finals.

A little background on Regatta: this event has been held for the past 80 years and has been successful in churning out few on India’s best oarspersons. The excitement, the festive air, the spirit, the fights, the shrug offs, the pre and post dinners, the beer, which sure excites all the men and everything else that comes along with the package, it sure is a delight to be part of the entire extravaganza.

At the end of the day, all that effort did pay off and I loved the entire experience. Sometimes, even today, I almost stumble out of my sleep at 5 AM in the morning to look for my sneakers to hit the club, and before I realize I still have the Regatta – Hangover, I head back to sleep

Anyone who has been to these areas know that they are a delight to any conoisseur of pot holes and crossing it is an unforgettable memory. For an encore, they took on the Tiruvanmiyur area and what is impressive about this outing is, their band of merry men and women swelled from 18 for the first campaign to an impressive 43!

They are now gearing up for their hat-trick performance, to be held in October.

It is the little things that make a difference and these three are proving it every month. Every Chennaivasi worth his/her salt has complained about the crappy state of the roads and the profusion of pot holes. Not one of them – local government included – has done anything about it. Now, these three are making a difference and what’s more, are giving the armchair moaner a tailormade oppurtunity to make one too. You can be a doer and join them in fixing the roads; or let them know of the geographical location of a pothole near you; you can even form a parallel group like theirs, with their help or if you are a lazy sod like me, you can donate to their cause. Easy peasy!

So, what are you doing this October 14th? Give them a shout if you are keen to make a difference. 

So this time when I was in Madras, I never said “no” when my gran asked her favourite question. What’s more, I even took a pic of a flower stall to remind me of what I am missing!

What do they call people like me? Oh yeah, glutton for punishment!

Long before my parents moved to Besant Nagar, Grand Sweets, Adyar has been our chosen venue when shopping for sweets & savouries. Murukku, cheedai, kuzhi paniyaram – you name it, you’ll get it. Every time I make a trip home, I will make sure I pay at least a couple of visits to the place, to get my fill of it. It is the only shop I know that looks more like your grandma’s sprawling bungalow than a prosperous shop. Every morning and evening, one of the workers would even wash the entrance area and decorate it with kolam.

The best time to visit the joint is around 3.00 PM, when the kitchen would be doling out made-that-instant thattais and murukkus. That is also the time when a harried lady would be bringing in plate after plate filled with donnais of free sweet pongal or kesari or some such. The resulting scrum has to be seen to be believed. Respectable old gentlemen and weedy maamis would abandon idle chatter at the sight of the freebie and make a run to the table. Some would have camped out there since the previous night. I have found myself front row centre on couple of occasions and all around me were thousands of elbow joggers who tried to shove five others out of their way to get their hands on a free spoon and a half of sweet pongal.

This time, I even heard a maama whine, “15 nimishama wait pannaromma!” while another wheedled, “idhu varaikkum oru cup thaan kadaichidhu“. The sight has to be seen to be believed. For those who cannot take a trek to the place, here are some pictures.

Though our country can never ever say with pride that its citizens are good drivers, I think gradually the standard has degenerated into absolutely appalling levels that these days it is a wonder if you can set foot outside home and come back unscathed. A casual bang to the side of your vehicle, courtesy a whizzing scooter is the norm.

While driving, we are supposed to look out for each other. Bah humbug, say the drivers. It is one mad dash to get from one point to another. To quote a popular holiday website, the traffic lights in India resemble the start of a grand prix race, with each vehicle vying for pole position. If only our roads were as good as the ones in Monaco! No wonder there is an increase in the number of people interested in becoming Formula 1 drivers. After all, they get practice every day!

One can’t put all the blame on Chennai drivers alone. The roads play a major role in this mess. And a right mess would describe the city roads perfectly. Huge craters in the middle and massive trenches along the sides are so yesterday. The latest accessories to the Chennai road are iron girders – and lots of them! Thick, long iron girders are plunged in the middle of the road, with the trench being strategically placed to make it unfit for traffic to pass in either direction. Add the monsoon (Thank you, Lord Varuna, for your bounty!) and you have one big water feature.

Of course, the usual adornments such as the Veeranam pipe, smaller pipes, random wires and posts, vast quantities of dug-up mud, chunks of tar road and the ever popular garbage sundries all make our road a thing of beauty indeed! One wonders what must go through the minds of the Onyx workers each night, as they toil to clean these excuse of our roads.

I guess therein lies the problem – the Onyx cleaners do their bit while we are sleeping. Come morning, we see the clean roads and our hands just itch to start throwing things! We do have to give something for the poor guys to clean every night, don’t we? We don’t want to deprive them of their likelihood!

You know something? I have always wondered at the volume of mud that lies surrounding the road trench. Even after they are covered, there is still a 2 feet surplus sitting all around it, making it a mini hillock. What puzzles me is that 2 feet surplus. Where did it come from? I mean, it was dug out of the same place and the lovely corporation guys have put it all back in, haven’t they? So where did the extra bit come from, the bit that sits atop like a crown on the head? Did they dig somewhere else to get that bit? Is there an unidentified crater somewhere that has contributed to this trench?

Ok, now I am digressing.

We have identified the problems – bad roads, worse drivers. So, let us all take a moment and think. Road users – we have to stop battling one another. We all have to get from Point A to Point B. There is no point in going like a bat out of hell, only to be caught at the next signal. We might as well go slower – and safer.

Do move to Sholavaram if the spirit moves you. Bullock cart men, please exercise your pets when the city has gone to sleep.

Meanwhile, corporation Annas, please don’t wait till the roadways department lays the road to start digging. Feel free to get in there, be first! And can the wizard who sunk in 8 feet of iron girder into the middle of T Nagar’s Dr Nair Road please put up his hand and explain the mystery behind it?

Brothers and sisters of Onyx, in addition to night shift, please do work on occasional day shifts too. Then you can actually catch us red-handed, making a missile of a banana peel and missing the bin by a mile.

Lastly, can somebody please stop all the timer clocks at the signals? Even Michael Schumacher doesn’t race everyday!

[First published under 'Desi Diaries' at ChennaiOnline on Nov 9, 2004.]